bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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