I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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