I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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