you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize