I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
