Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
