hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
