I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
