Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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