I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
