i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize