Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
