dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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