Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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