My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize