Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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