My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
