I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
