I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
