I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
