I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
