I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
