You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize