there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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