My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
