shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize