i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
