4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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