so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
