We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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