Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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