my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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