We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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