guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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