I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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