party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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