fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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