12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
