Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my phone needs a breathalizer
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
