I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
