The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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