If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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