why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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