Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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