shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
