a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
