I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize