: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
