Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
