Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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