I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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