That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
