don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
