I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
