The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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