I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
