how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
