I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He felt like a one man threesome
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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