So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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