I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize