i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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