Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
