We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
