Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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